just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
