I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My breasts were aching with rage.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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