My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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