i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
