I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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