Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
