I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
