return my video game
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
