i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
