We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
