if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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