I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
