mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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