Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
