the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
