There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
