I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
