Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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