I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
