I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
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lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
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It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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