ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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