i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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