Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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