our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
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