I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
