They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
