Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
