So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
