the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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