Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
