She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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