FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
