evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
