We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
