The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
