girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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