You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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