I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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