Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
