i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
