Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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