Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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