dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
