He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
