I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
