I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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