you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
