i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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