Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
