Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My vagina just clenched in fear
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
