I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Do vagina's smell?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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