Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
