I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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