im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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