I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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