Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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