Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just forgot I was standing up.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
