My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
